4.6: Listening Effectively

Human beings are social creatures. Even when the person listening to us does not agree with our opinion, many of us recognize that the feeling of “being heard” is one of the best feelings in the world. “Being heard” is not just about the listener understanding the vocabulary that the speaker uses. It is the feeling that a speaker’s message has been received with respect and understanding.

To give your speaker this feeling, make the effort to adopt the following habits.

• Give verbal feedback: To give verbal feedback, make small comments in response to the message that is shared. The comments can be a specific response to the message or it can be a simple acknowledgement that you’re present and paying attention (ex. “I see,” “I understand,” “I didn’t know that,” or even “ok”). When you engage this way, it also helps you pay attention. When the timing is appropriate, ask questions. Be careful not to interrupt the speaker mid-sentence. Wait until they pause or wait until they invite questions. If you do ask something, make sure that you sound curious rather than aggressive or suspicious.
• Offer non-verbal feedback: There are many ways that you can use your body to indicate an investment in the speaker’s message. One small way is to practice good posture. When you sit up straight, you show that you are at attention because the speaker’s message deserves respect. If you are feeling more expressive, you can nod your head or use facial expressions to show that the message is making an impression on you. Signalling your attention with these gestures also helps you feel more interested in what is being said. If you have a pen and paper handy, consider making notes. The speaker may never see the notes, but the fact that you’re writing something down suggests that you consider their message to be worth further attention or action.
• Make eye contact: Many of us have been on a steady diet of social media and video conference calls. This does not mean that eye contact no longer matters. On the contrary, eye contact between sender and receiver is more valuable than ever before. It solidifies the connection with the speaker. Even if you are on an app like Zoom, make the effort to look directly into the camera at times so that your speaker feels that you are looking at them. It is, of course, recommended that you look away every few seconds. If you were to stare unblinkingly at the speaker for too long, it would make them uncomfortable.
• Check your understanding: At some point, ask the speaker if you can confirm that you have heard them correctly. Use an expression such as: “If I’m hearing you right, you’re saying…” or “Just to confirm, you would like to…”. This habit has a dual purpose: (1.) it shows respect for the speaker and their message, and (2.) it creates an opportunity to clear up misunderstandings before any consequences grow out of proportion.

Keep in mind that we constantly telegraph feedback whether we intend to or not. For the most part, you are already doing it. It is just a question of whether or not you are doing it well.

• If you do never offer responsive verbal feedback, your silence sends a message. It risks communicating a lack of interest, lack of understanding, or hostility.
• If you are texting or playing with something in your hands while someone is speaking to you, your non-verbal feedback is probably sending a message of disrespect.
• If you never make eye contact, the speaker will assume that you are paying attention to whatever you are looking at. They may be offended or may get distracted wondering what you see. They may even start turning their heads trying to look at it, themselves.
• If you neglect to check your understanding, you may waste time, money, or energy taking actions that later turn out to be unnecessary, or worse, counter-productive.

Remember, when we interact in person, over the phone, or over video conference, much of what we communicate is not captured by word choice alone. Even people who are not trained in communication will have an “instinctive” sense of whether you are interested or not. By adopting the above habits, you will help them feel that their message is worth receiving.